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[Feb. 7th, 2010|02:01 am] |
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It does feels good to be happy & in love once again. I guess it's true when they say there'll always be sunshine after the rain. All that pain i went through to get over B, i don't wanna repeat that cycle again. Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful. I'm scared but life's full of risks. Don't take it and you'll end up with nothing. If i keep waiting and lying to myself that B loves me, i'm only wasting my time & will never be happy remaining like that. |
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| Love, i fear we're losing control |
[Feb. 6th, 2010|12:42 am] |
And my eyes are screaming for a sight of you
And tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through
And I can't hold on to you
So I guess I'll be lonely too
So, i guess i should just log off my chats in order to even get an entry down i hate myself for getting distracted so easily hur hur; even efficient Theresa is uploading photos from tonight's dinner much faster than i can settle my thoughts, she is turbo lightning speed when it comes to efficiency i totally failed as her best friend. Tonight is totally blog worthy cos i get insanely high when is see my hello, girlfriends for life soccerettes teammates homies, it's such a mouthful but it's as good as taking a huge bite out of a tasty burger cos i'm so in love with them it's positively orgasmic. Blur Mountain burger yum yum.
So the dinner with them was good, ice-cream with them was a crazy affair we adopted this cute baby decked in ralph lauren polo dress burberry cardigan and white loafers, everything is so teeny how can you not melt?! We got her to blow out candles from the girls' cakes and i was just carrying her and bouncing her in my arms the whole time. I wanted to take her home random-little-girl-from-the-ice-cream-store. I miss them like crazy, Diva-La-Futbol 2010?
Frisbee has been addictive as usual, i love friday trainings so much more than thursdays. which means i have to wait for thursday training to be over before friday's one come. Hmmm, -frowns. Seems like a tough math question. Many things is life are almost like critical thinking essay questions, i love the short time i had with Love over at Al-Ameen cos she gets me and it's so easy to spill things to her and i wish sometimes, just sometimes, i know what to do in life without hurting anybody.
Well, well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2010|11:23 pm] |
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I'm tired and exhausted, what do you not get? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2010|07:35 pm] |
I'm currently at SIM library, along with Bindy and Fahrun in our futile attempt to make it big in the future workforce. The workforce. That seems so far away. Or the future, what about tomorrow? Are we really in control of th future that we initially intend to set out on/
I guess i need a release, whether the font now is pretty big and random strangers can be peering over my shoulder watching me relentlessly abuse the keyboard with my furius typing that chugs on like a steam engine. As much as I'm aware, i like to be in control of my life, i like to know what is happening next. I want a safety net to realise that even if i make errors of judgement. i would find a valid reason to know that i have tried.
I hate rollarcoasters cos the sick feeling at the pit of your stomach not knowing what will happen after the carriage makes it's huge dip. I am afraid of heights cos i know when i am up there, i won't know how hard i will fall and down seems like the only way to go. As cynical i can be about love, i learnt to realise i truely hate myself for it, i wish i can let go and know just what it was like before, before i got hurt, before i realise that making a practical decision can make you happy, but allowing yourself to fall; fall in love and be wahtever you want to be will be a feeling of extreme happiness. I know that, the plan is there but the execution is somewhat flawed.
I feel supressed, and suffocated. I may feel happy. But knowing that i feel i'm being pused into a decision cos i have to consider another one at heart makes me feel i'm fighting for both, i'm kicking desperately in the deep end, thrashing with my negative thoughts with splashes of judgement all around me,
Exactly what do i want? exactly how hard must i fight for it?
It shouldn't be this hard. I wish you understood what i been through i wish, sometimes i just wish i don't have to take another step forward cos i've been there, and why move a step forward when the step just brings you back to the starting point? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2010|06:04 pm] |
Its shocking how many kinds of addiction exists, it would be too easy if it was just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part about kicking a habit is wanting to kick it, i mean we get addicted for a reason right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life, at some point cross the line, to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.
The thing about addiction is; it never ends well, because eventually, whatever it was that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you've hit rock bottom but how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how much a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.
You're beautiful. I miss your smell |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2010|12:16 am] |
I want my professors to be my best friends, my lectures to be heart-to-heart conversations, my notes an enigma, my discussions with my peers a hypnotism and my nightly readings to be a mantra i cant get enough of.
Good grades ftw |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2010|09:24 pm] |
Today, i was taught how to understand poems. Today, i learnt that some things are beyond your control but the best way is to always believe in yourself knowing that one day, things will turn out fine.
She walks in beauty like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet her aspect and her eyes
Thus mellow's to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies
One shade the more, one ray the less
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven trees
Or softly lightens o'er her face
Where thoughts so serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place. |
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| Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder |
[Jan. 26th, 2010|11:38 pm] |
Beauty is bought by the judgement of the eye,
Not utt'red by base sale of chapmen's tongues
I am less proud to hear you tell my worth
Than you much willing to be counted wise
In spending your wit in the praise of mine
I hate you i really do cos you don't even know me that well and you passing such judgements is simply malicious. So don't act like you are full of values, cos simply you're just like them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2010|05:53 pm] |
I love your smile, i love your hair, i love the way you look deep into my eyes like you know something i don’t. I love the way you kiss me. i love your hands. I love how they fit mine so well. i love your lips, your eyes, your hair. i love how i can never stop thinking about you. i love how i love how passionate you are. i love how you call me beautiful and gorgeous. i love waking up and seeing you still sleeping. i love how you aren’t a morning person. i hate being away from you for longer than a couple hours. i hate seeing you walk away. i hate saying goodbyes to you. i hate the way you look at me sometimes but you won’t say anything. that drives me crazy.. thinking about loosing you drives me crazy. thinking that you have the potential, or that you have in your possession the power to turn my world upside down and break my heart.. that drives me crazy.
I want a boy; just some skin and some rough hands, some whispered words and harsh breathing. I want to laugh at you and cry for you and miss you so much it aches and wrap myself around you. I want to feel the weight of you, to hear the sirens, to run until my breath gives out, I want to smash things and remake them with blood on my hands. I could stand in the rain until I’m saturated with you, until the water stings my eyes the way your words do. We could fingerpaint our dreams, you could play me a lullaby full of discordant harmonics. I want someone to fall asleep to.
♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2010|12:31 am] |
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Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again. The Haiti earthquake made me realise how much we take things for granted. God blessed the many of us, with a safe and comfortable home, free internet, and yet we mull over studying and other tough decisions which is insignificant to the many out there fighting to save their lives and their loved ones. I pray for the victims that they will get through this stormy times. |
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